DESIRE: Humanity
by Tatsuke Oshita
Summary: "Humans are corrupted.", her voice brought him back. "They know the difference between what they call GOOD and RIGHTEOUS and what they call EVIL and BAD. Though they know what they should not do, are not allowed to do it, they STILL do it. That is, what I've come to learn humans are."


Jonathan didn't know what the best reaction to his peculiar situation would be.  
He had entered this empty warehouse because the full moon had shone brightly and beautifully through one of the broken windows. Down at the street when he had noticed that window and thought, this could be something worth drawing, he went inside that broke down building without a second thought. Well, to be fair he hadn't expected anything extraordinary to happen. Now he was cursing himself inwardly for his need to draw when he felt lost.  
He kept his hands on the window sill, which he had placed there to have a better look out of the window. He was sure that he had not misheard and there has been that weird noise. Like wind pushing hard on the ground causing a fizzling sound. Though this noise had something unnatural to it. Not only has it been an unique gentle sound but it also felt choked. Similar to a gunshot which sound was reduced by a muffler. When he had heard it he decided to stop moving and that is why he found himself standing still at a window. Looking out while there was something possibly dangerous right behind him that might turn out to want to eat him. He wondered if there was someone near, in case he had to scream for help.  
On second thought he decided that there was no need to scream. If tonight was the night for him to leave, than so shall it be. Maybe that was what he deserved. He sighed and without turning around he said, "If there is someone, and I believe there is, could you tell me if I need to be scared? Not that I am not scared right now.. but it would enlighten me if your answer turns out to be 'No'." Silence was following. Jonathan listened into the darkness, waiting for something to happen.  
"What is that in your bag, human?", a whisper, like a hand sliding smoothly over his arm.  
"My drawing utensils. Tonight is one of those nights I want to catch beauty and draw it on paper. It occasionally happens." He could see the traces his fingers left on the dusty window sill when he took his hands off to led them fall to his side. He wanted to turn around but something held him back.  
"A hunter of beauty. A master of colors. A human of creativity.", the smooth touch of an invisible hand sliding along his arm up to his throat. It felt cold to his skin.  
"Thank you for those compliments. Lover of poetry?", a moment of silence before the whisper, now louder, returned, "To answer your question: You should be scared. I approached you with the intent of ending your life, silly human." The coldness of the hand spreading through his entire body making Jonathan numb.  
Second time. Whoever, or whatever, was standing behind him was not human. No human would call Jonathan a 'human' in such a hateful way if not a supernatural being.  
"What are you? What is your name?", he felt the ghostly hand caressing his throat. He wanted to vomit.  
"What I am? You don't need to know but you can call me Sarina, human.", the hand pressing lightly. Making breathing a bit difficult.  
"Good evening, Sarina. My name is Jonathan. It would be a polite thing to add but I can't say that it is a pleasure meeting you. That would be a lie.", he said with a shrug, trying to sound cheerful. He could hear a noise similar to a repressed laugh. "Why don't you turn around, J-o-n-a-t-h-a-n?"  
Soft, almost silent steps were approaching. Jonathan could hear his beating heart hitting against his ribcage. Every step she took was like a gentle but hostile touch on his back. Making him want to bend his back away from it but he still felt the chill from the hand on his throat. Pressing in, almost choking him.  
"Why are you not running?", her voice curious, hiding a humored smile.  
He answered, trying not to stumble over his words, "Is there even a chance for me to outrun you?" Now he could feel the silent giggle on his neck. He guessed it was the tip of her nose pressing against his neck. His hair standing up.  
"Oh Jonathan, nothing living can outrun me. Ever.", her breath tickling him. The cold hand of death was replaced by a real hand. Warmth and blood pulsing through it. Her hand stroking his neck slowly. He kept staring straight and then saw her weak silhouette in the broken pieces of glass sticking out of the wood. It was dark glass and full of dirt, dust, and some dead insects that were mercilessly crushed by some humans who couldn't stand their living presence. The woman standing right behind him was about four centimeters taller than him. Her eyes were focusing on his face that ignored her. A small smile gracing her face. Her hair was was bound to one side and fell in long dark waves over her right shoulder. More he couldn't make out. He was curious to see how beautiful this woman was who threatened him and shook him so deeply.  
"Will you kill me, Sarina, because I am a human? I couldn't not notice the hostility you seem to have in your voice when saying 'human' out loud."  
She snickered. It vibrated through her touch, "Indeed. I hate the human race. But telling you why would take a week. So many reasons to hate them and so less to accept their existence."  
He tried sounded unimpressed, "Try me. Taking this situation into account I believe I will have nothing else to do, so I could also listen to your story. Besides I am actually very interested at the hatred towards the human species nourished by the supernatural ones right from a supernatural being herself."  
Her right hand strokes down his arm and left him. Her left hand came up, below his chin. He could feel and see the fingers of her hand curling in, slightly touching his chin with that action. Only her pointer finger kept standing out. She pressed it against his chin and forced his head to move to the right, "Look at me, Jonathan."  
Even if he wanted to he wasn't sure he would have been able to resists that power she only had in her pointer finger. Her face was so unbelievably near. He was staring into lime green eyes with pupils that weren't round but looked like a bar in horizontal position. A goats eye. For some reason Jonathan found himself calmed by her bizarre eyes. His heart stopped trying to win the championship of some car racing.  
He hair was almost the same green as her eyes, just a hint darker. It was bound by a small white ribbon with two even smaller silver bells hanging from it. She was beautiful in an extraterrestrial way.  
She let him go and started to look out of the window. Probably trying to find out what Jonathan was so intently looking at the whole time. She had stopped smiling when their eyes had met. Jonathan missed her touch and was inwardly beating himself senseless for that foolishness.  
"Humans are corrupted.", her voice brought him back. "They know the difference between what they call GOOD and RIGHTEOUS and what they call EVIL and BAD. Though they know what they should not do, are not allowed to do it, they STILL do it. That is, what I've come to learn humans are."  
There was hatred and grief in her voice. Poisening the air around her. Making it taste bitter and rotten. He followed her gaze. Not wanting to stare at her and see how lost she herself is, "I'm sorry."  
He didn't know why, but it felt like he was the reason for her sadness. He knew he felt sympathy for her and that it was beyond reasonable. She would be the person to kill him and he wanted to embrace her, caress her back and tell her that everything would be alright. Was he really too much male to be swept away by her beauty? 'Oh yes, Jonathan lets himself be killed by beautiful ladies. Please form a line and don't shy away when he tries to hug you. He's just beyond out of the ordinary.', he thought sarcastically.  
Whatever he felt he knew if he reached out and touched her he will find himself one arm shorter. That is if he's lucky. He could also lose his life right at the moment he tries to move his arm.  
He wondered what sight they gave, both staring at the moon. Its bone-colored light illuminating their faces. How Jonathan would love to draw that.  
They were staring at the dark sky for some time, Jonathan already wondering if there was a continuation to what she had started when she suddenly said, "Do you think there's ANYTHING desirable about being human?"  
The broken silence made it possible for Jonathan to turn his head again without fearing for his life. Looking at Sarina and trying to decipher her expression. He wanted to give her all his attention and looking out not to step on an emotional landmine.  
He took a deep breath. "Sarina, I don't know what experience broke you so much," at that her head turned so fast Jonathan was wondering if he had imagined her looking out of the window. Her eyes are piercing his. It was clear, she was already trying to kill him with her eyes. Ignoring it the best he could he continued, "but to answer your question: Yes, I think being human is desirable."  
"What makes you think so?" she yelled. Almost barking. "You are weak. Just pushing you out of that window would kill your mortal body, if not hurt you so badly you have to endure so much pain you want to die. Give me enough time and I could kill you on the inside. Make you wish and beg for me to kill you. Something nobody could ever make me do. ", she hissed. "I don't see anything desirable about being human. I never want to be a human, I am proud not be one.", she snorted, "You humans are always hungry. Hungry for fame, power, love, acceptance, things, beings. It is detestable. What you would give to end this hunger. A hunger nothing and nobody but yourself could end. What is it even you humans are so proud of your species? What, Jonathan?"  
Jonathan raised his eyebrow, buying time. Her stare was intense, waiting for his reply. He knew whatever his answer would be, she will never forget it and make it count as if humanity spoke through him. If his reply was bad enough she would take it as one more reason to murder more humans with a selt-satisfied smile gracing her lips.  
"You know what makes humans HUMANS? Our feelings and thoughts. Yet, you say you are not human and never want to be. But how can you say that, when you have the most human trait: feelings and free thoughts. Look at you.", his eyes went over her body. His arms extended in an almost 90° angle, stopping at his sides, "Every word you said was followed by an emotion that made it hard for me not to think of you as a human being - if not for your eyes.", he shrugged, "Humans also have an own will and the possibility to do whatever they want to do and even doing things, they themselves consider wrong. I see and understand your point. I see how you look at humans. And I see you. It makes me ask: What makes us so different?"  
Without waiting for a second she screamed, "I would NEVER kill one of mine!"  
She had not approached him with any movement. Had not moved by an inch and still Jonathan felt terribly threatened. He tried keeping his cool. What did he have to lose? His life? Oh wait, that joke was on him.  
"You wouldn't? ... what is yours? And is that really a specifically human trait?", his voice deepened. Filled with sneering provocation, "There are also animals that would kill one of their own kind. Even for a reason like intruding into a space they call their own. There is no difference to us, animals and you. Humans and even supernatural creatures don't really look for reasons to end a life or make it miserable. We just find excuses afterwards to not feel like we've fallen from some throne we thought we were sitting on that made us different to every crazy person out there. We just ARE. Making something like 'difference' up in our minds. There is no difference that holds any importance great enough to want to kill another living being.", he took a deep breath before breaking down because of lack of oxygen, "It's not about right or wrong, reasons and excuses, differences and similiraties. It's all about our feelings and thoughts. The choices we make. About acceptance! You and me right now... humans and supernatural creatures... What differs from us, is your power. If there was a 100% guarantee your whole kind won't use it to hurt us we wouldn't have a reason to hate you all. But humans fear what they don't know or can't control. This fear gives us some kind of power that makes us go and kill most of you. Wouldn't your species do the same if they were faced with another species that was strong, overwhelming and unknown to you? That had some few of them that killed some of your species? Would that not be enough reason for you all to freak out? That is, what human wars are about too."  
Surprise ran over her face just to vanish seconds later, replaced by anger. "You try to tell me, we're all the same and that THIS here is like a human war?", she spread her arms, trying to take in the whole world but only meaning him and her. "One side killing the other, blinded, not seeing there is no reason to fight but so much to gain if we lay our weapons down?" Now it was her place to sound provoking.  
Jonathan found himself surprised that it looked like he reached some part of Sarina and that she was even able to understand him. Not that he thought she was dumb but he had thought she was eaten up by hatred and distrust. Looked like she was able to be reasoned with. Releave flooding him. Through that he felt confirmed to walk on the right path of words.  
"Exactly.", he calmly replied. His head bend slightly with a small smile on his face.  
"You're insane.", her reply fast. Disbelieve clear in her face and voice.  
He smugly replied, "Depends on who is looking. You look human to me, you act, react and speak like a human to me, but you got the bigger weapon on you. One I can't see, yes, and also one I can't protect myself from. If you say we're different because it's our race, I am a human and you are a supernatural creature, don't you sound like someone saying I am black and you are white or that I am German and you are Jew and we could never match?"  
Her eyebrow raising she now seemed to try to have regained her composure and said, "I wonder where you come up with this examples."  
She sighed and put her finger on his chest, pressing lightly. Enough for it to hurt, "I am saying, you are an imbecile ant that doesn't understand where its place is and that I am the shoe about to step on you." Her finger sliding off his chest.  
That was when he realized she was a very proud being and would never show weakness even if she was about to die. A strong willed woman, supernatural or not. He was impressed and found himself loving that about her but also couldn't help turning angry at her view of the world and its occupants.  
He grinned at her, noticing the short visible surprise reflected in her eyes, "The thoughts of a proud, blind human, my dear. We had so many of them. Thinking they were different, even better than everyone else. Nobody of them understood, there is no being better and that we're not different. We're the same.", his anger made him forget his fear for a second. He pointed his finger at her chest, mimicking her action and caughing her off guard with it, "You would never say "We are all humans" because HUMAN is WEAKNESS translated in your language.", his anger made her aggresive position change into a passive one.  
Encouraged through her visible change of attitude he continued, "I agree that humans don't have powers like supernatural beings or have the good eyesight of an eagle, the good smell of a dog, the swiftness of a rat or the ease of a fish and still, we were able to ensure our place on this planet. We are so many. We are like ants - as you so nicely said - but you're playing god by trying to smash us all." Her mouth opened to reply when he jumped in before she could make her words heard, "And don't tell me I will and have been your only human victim. Listening to you makes it clear you have some plan of like ..eliminating humankind." Her mouth fell shut.  
"Don't you see, the reason for doing what you do, the choice you made, is one that is wrong? You realize it is wrong, don't you? Yet, you seem like you will still do it? What did you say about humans before?", his voice high and mighty.  
Sarina remained passive. Her eyes filled with rage and anger, "If I were to kill your parents. The roots of your existence. Wouldn't you hate all of my kind?"  
Jonathan shook his head, "Did all of your kind come into my parents room and killed them in their sleep? I don't think so. It was an Asian man that had nothing to live for and was angry. Do I hate every Asian person? Certainly not. I made the choice to hate the person who killed my parents, since his choice was to destroy their future. But I also made the choice to fall in love with another Asian person. I don't feed on unreasonable hatred." Jonathan wanted to add 'as you seem to do' but decided to leave it out. If he was right on that she would understand it herself.  
She showed her sharp teeth in a bizarre sad smile, "Maybe you're special but not everyone thinks like you. Most of them would hate all Asian people. Mistrust them. Look at Americans.", she moved her arm dismissingly. "Mistrusting everyone with a long beard and a turban. Someone looking like the people who killed a lot of them. Isn't that stupid?"  
Her eyes changed. Made him think of a fire, a small one, waiting to grow. Playful. She was waiting for him to trip and fall so that she could rip out his organs and say he deserved it. That it was his fault, his choice. He shook his head to get the image out of his mind, "They fear for their safety and those they love. I don't consider it stupid. I consider it blinded by fear. It is their choice and can you really say, that they have no reason to fear? That there is no way that the next people forcing a lot of another Americans to die won't look like the ones who did it before? The possibility is too high to ignore. And look, what you say the stupid humans do, what is your reason for doing what you do?"  
The fire in her eyes dimmed. Avoiding his eyes, Sarina spoke more quietly, "Why are you so eager to convince me that I am ...human? I will kill you, no matter what you say."  
His voice tried to match hers when he said, "I understand that this is my last night. You should understand, I don't try to tell you you are human, I try to make you understand that you and I are the same." Sarina's eyes met Jonathan's again. I tangible but not hearable click falling into place. Jonathan knew, now she understood him. She must have felt it too, the connection between them.  
He closed his eyes, "No matter what happens to me, this conversation will make a difference with what thoughts you will leave this room. Will you feel good and think this was right? Will your thoughts be consumed by what I said and wonder, what path you're walking on or will you despair and leave the way you're walking on right now?"  
"Stop it!", her voice a sudden explosion in the room. His ears rang. "HATE ME! LIKE I HATE YOU! WISH TO KILL ME! LIKE I WISH TO KILL YOU!", with every sentence she pushed him more and more backwards. Without a doubt, he thought, she understood him but was not yet willing to accept it. He almost stumbled and stopped by hitting a wall. Her face a bizarre mask of sharp teeth and wrinkles. A deep growl came out of her throat. Causing the air to vibrate.  
He was back into the stade he was at the beginning. His heart beat wildly. He was sweating. Beside all that, he calmly said, "You can't order me. I make the choice who to hate. Besides, there will be no reason for hatred after I am dead. I don't see any reason for wasting energy in hating you, for what? The last seconds of my life? No, thank you."  
She raised her arm, a piece of meat with shining brightly in the moonlight what Jonathan guessed 8 claws - he had no time to count and surely would not ask to stop in her movement to satisfy his curiousity. White light dancing on Sarina's face, making it more surreal.  
"Couldn't I have met you sooner?", she said in a low, sad voice. Her claw slicing through his shirt. Making him wince, "You could have. Would you have understood what I just told you, back then?" Another slice. "I don't know.", Sarina replied in a shaky voice.  
Two more scratches followed. Jonathan could feel the blood flowing down his stomach. Heard the dripping of his blood on his shoes. He ignored the pain as much as possible.  
"You will die without fulfilling what you wanted to do with your life.", she said. He never stopped looking into her eyes. Never stopped seeing her tears flow while she was killing him.  
"I won't.", he acknowledged. "And you still won't hate me?" "I won't." The sudden pain in his face took the air out of his lungs. He turned his face back towards her. He would not look away.  
"Maybe you're too good for this world. That is why good poeple die all the time. The world can't bear them.", tears fell off her face. Both didn't see it, but Sarina's tears and Jonathan's blood on the ground were mixing together. Sadness blending into pain.  
Another slash at his face. A noise. Something small being thrown at the wall beside him. According to the pain, he thought, he had lost his nose.  
"Maybe."


End file.
